Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
