is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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