Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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