Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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