I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
