My hand turned me down
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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