I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
