Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
