saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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