I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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