the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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