If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
