On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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