come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
