Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
