i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
