If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
