Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I love you. Go after that dick
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I want a musical about memes.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
