Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
