Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
