fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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