first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
