She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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