The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
