The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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