I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
