Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I have aggressive nipples.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
