The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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