Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
