You smell like stripper and shame
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
