I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
