a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
