I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
