That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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