I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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