i just wanna soil my oats bro
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
