awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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