shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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