I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
