I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
