Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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