Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
