She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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