omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
