3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
