So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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