I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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