Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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