May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
