Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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