So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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