I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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